A Song of Myself

I was let in by a person who appeared to be a janitor when I knocked on the door. I was reluctant to visit the place, maybe that’s why I was the last person to enter the room.

“Ah! New member. Welcome, my name is Matthew Lawson, what might be yours?” asked the man cheerfully, who wore a green colored checkered shirt, a formal grey colored pants, had a medium build and a neatly combed hair. He was the most decently dressed person in that room.

“I’m Edward,” I said.

“That’s so nice of you Edward. Now could you take the seat at the back? Sorry we have only that one left,” said Matthew.

I sat on the chair when the person next to me stood up and walked to the podium that was in the middle of the room facing us.

“My name is Harry, I’m an alcoholic,” started the man who went up to the podium. He was looking dull, tall and weary. He looked as if he had a day job at the quarry. Maybe he did.

“Hi Harry,” said everyone in chorus. That’s the etiquette to be followed in a support group. I failed at the first step. Just being in that room made me feel like an alien, like I didn’t belong there, I couldn’t listen to what Harry was talking. I couldn’t focus and concentrate. I just wanted to get up and walk through the door. I took a look at the people listening to Harry’s story. And then I saw her, sitting in the front row. I didn’t know what was going inside me, I just felt something rushing through my guts. I knew it was because of her. I had to lean forward to get a look at her every time the big guy in front of me leans back.

My lips widened without my knowledge. I was smiling. I knew this was the doing of her. Whatever Harry’s story was, it was anything but funny given the reactions in her face. But I was smiling. I tried to stop, but it was involuntary. I wanted to know her name. I sincerely hoped that the next person to go to the podium would be her. But it was Mr. Big Guy who stood up completely blocking two things I was looking for at that moment. Herself and the door. But I was glad that I could see her clearly then, after he left. Apparently the Big guy’s name was ‘Henry Biggs’, pretty fitting I thought. I couldn’t make myself listen to what he had to say. My eyes were firmly fixed on her. I saw every move she made. I felt pretty guilty and bad myself, but it was all worth it. Her eyes were the brightest lights, her ears lips were the sweetest berries.

Five people finished their stories, I heard five names, not the stories, and still I was waiting for her turn to speak. I wanted to hear what she had to say. I heard nothing else other than my own thoughts inside my head until Matthew was calling my name.

“Edward,” he called out holding his hands higher towards me. “Would you do the honors of introducing yourself to the group? We are eager to listen to your story and as the last person to speak today, you get to conclude.”

‘That’s my luck,’ I thought. She had spoken already. But I wanted to know her name. So I went up to the podium, my ears went almost deaf as I took a deep breath. I only could see her, I wanted to ask her name.

“Hi everyone, I’m Edward, I am, I’m an alcoholic,” I spoke. After they followed their routine, I continued, “I have introduced myself, I can see that I have missed the introductions of a few people as I was late, and I would like to know your names. I’ll start with her,” I pointed to the lady of my dreams.

“Anna,” she answered, with a smile. She was smiling at me. My ears went completely deaf then, my eyes couldn’t move to the next person. I didn’t listen to any of the names of the others, I was only seeing her face. Only when Matthew poked me, I realized that the last person had finished. I also realized, that was the cue for me to start my story. I spoke.

“I don’t know where to even start, I was reluctant at first, when I came to this room, and I just wanted to leave right away. To be honest, I didn’t listen to any of your stories, no offence meant, but I apologize for my mental absence, it was no fault of mine. But now I never want to leave this room,” I said. I knew that I was slipping away, I needed to get to the point.

“I have spent most of my lifetime alone. I live in one of the busiest cities of the world, I look out my window every morning, watching people run for work in those bustling streets. And when it’s time for me to walk, I find myself walking alone, although there were people walking along with to me. I go to work every day, to the same place, to the same cubicle, which is isolated from all of the other cubicles, I guess my luck worked its charm even there. I have a very few friends from the place where I work in. They are my teammates, the friends I made in high school and college are not in my life anymore. I didn’t care to think why.

Some days I talk to them, meet them for a few drinks after work. Some days I meet a few people for birthday parties or dinner parties. Some days I make new acquaintances who stay that way. Some days all I have for a possible human contact is the bartender who asks me the same question for what my answer will be the same, I was glad that he has the courtesy to ask. I drank every night before I went to sleep. That was my routine. Some even said that I was turning out to be an alcoholic and it was affecting my life. I thought, well, what the hell do they know, they wouldn’t care the next day anyway. I knew life went pretty bad when the only words I heard in a whole day was ‘What are you having tonight?’ Loneliness became a part of my life.

Life was moving forward however bad the days were until I hit rock bottom two weeks ago. I tried to drink myself to death. I drank two bottles of hard liquor on my account. When the bartender said he won’t give me anymore, I had my friend get me another two bottles convincing him that I was going away for a week and would need that. Then I ran out of bottles to drink. I thought that ought to do it, but all it did was make me stay in the toilet for the whole night, throwing up every last drop. I felt pretty hammered the next day when I woke up only to find that it was night already. The few friends that I had wanted me to attend counseling then I ended up convincing them that I would join here instead. I haven’t drunk since then. And here I am, another lonely walker of the earth.” I concluded.

Anna was the first one to start clapping her hands together slowly. Then everybody joined her.

“That was wonderful Edward, we are here for you. That concludes the session today folks, there are coffee and cookies waiting outside the room, have a wonderful night,” said Matthew who stepped down the podium.

As we went outside, I was happy to catch some fresh cold breeze. It got warmer as I saw Anna walking towards me. “That was beautiful Ed, what you said, will see you next time,” she said as shook my hand and walked away. That hit me hard. That made me thankful to the bartender who wouldn’t give me another drop of liquor. That made me thankful to the friend who wanted me to visit the group. That made me thankful to Matthew for asking me to speak. That made me thankful to her, who made me realize that I’m capable of love. I made up my mind that I won’t let the world forget about me, that I won’t let her forget about me. I didn’t know where life would take me but I felt it that night, I felt it that very moment, and I felt human again.