The Wait is Never Over

Everybody is waiting for something. We wake up every morning trying to make something of the day, waiting for something to happen. But we don’t always get what we are waiting for. It is common for a farmer to wait for the rain, it is common for a writer to wait for the right word, it is common for an animal to wait for its prey, and it is even common for a criminal to wait for the perfect crime. But is it worth waiting for?

Moment of truth, Alfred, our beloved narrator was waiting, waiting for the verdict from the jury. The case on the court that day was about our narrator allegedly killing a robber who he claimed to have threatened the safety of his family.

“The jury may present their verdict,” ordered the judge.

“Your honor, the jury was unable to reach a verdict. In light of the recent events and the new evidences that were collected, there is neither any compelling evidence that it was an alleged killing nor there is anything to prove that it was pure self-defense,” spoke the man with the glasses from the jury.

“Since the jury was unable to come to a conclusion, the court will now be adjourned. The case will be reviewed in the next hearing,” said the judge hammering the table.

“Come, boy,” said the officer who cuffed my hands and pulled me by my arms wanting to take me to the place, now I called home.

I was waiting for the prisoner transport as we walked out of the court, the eleven o’ clock sun hitting my naked eyes making it squint with its warm light. It’s always only after we have lost something that we realize what we had was the best that we could have had. Being a prisoner, I’ve lost the roads and its nasty traffic, I’ve lost the birds and their little noises, I’ve lost the people and their lousy stories, and most importantly I’ve lost my family, the one that we all are still breathing for.

I was waiting for a nice afternoon shower and getting to work but what I saw was what I would never have imagined. I saw Tyler holding a bunch of ribbons trying to stick it on the entrance arch. My thoughts went crazy, have I become a celebrity over night? That’s not possible, I’ve had only like twenty trials so far and Mr. Wallace has gone ninety already.

“Yo, what’s going on?” I had to ask.

“Hey man, tomorrow’s family day. The one where we get to be with our family and shit, we got all excited man, the decorations are for that, get inside, we’ve got work to do,” said Tyler with a joyous smile on his face which was rare for us prisoners on a fine morning.

I was waiting in the queue for the telephone as I went inside. I wanted to call my baby and her mother, my ex-wife. I haven’t met them in last forty eight months after I signed those divorce papers. I got chance at the telephone after almost an hour of standing. I had to reach my pocket to take the piece of paper that had her number on it.

“Hello Katherine, I’m Alfred,” I said.

“Yes, no need to mention, I don’t usually get calls from murderers who are in prison,” said Kathy. I was a little hurt but it was good to hear her voice after two years of containment.

“Well yes, listen, I want to see you, and Emma. Tomorrow we have this family day where all of us get to spend some quality time with our family. I want you to come,” I said.

“Well, first, to make things clear, we are not a family anymore, second, I don’t want to see you,” said Kathy hatefully.

“I’m the father of our child, what does family mean if not that? It’s been two years since I saw her. Even if it is not for me, you must come for her,” I pleaded.

“That’s also another reason why I wouldn’t want to come. She’s grown up now Al, she can understand things. I don’t want her to know that her biological father is a murderer,” she retorted.

“Kathy, for the final time, I didn’t goddamn kill that man, it was pure self-defense, I’m tired of wanting you to believe it, but you have to understand, all I have left in life is now you and little Emma. I want to see her for me to breathe, I beg you now,” I begged.

“Fine, I’ll come, but promise me that you won’t call me anymore,” said Kathy.

“I promise,” I said convincingly.

“All right, goodbye Al,” she said as I heard the engaged tone.

I was waiting for me to shut my eyes and sleep to take me away to the wildest of the dreams but I couldn’t put my mind to rest. I watched the clock on my desk as every second went by. Eight hours more, I counted. The thought of seeing my baby after hundreds of days conquered my mind as sleep became the least priority. I remembered her smile, with the few teeth she had, like a rose that had bloomed early in the morning. Her ears, as soft as velvet. Her hands, pink like a cotton candy. Her legs, like two pieces of garlic. I felt something in my gut, the very same feeling I got when she clenched my finger with her whole hand. I had to force myself to sleep.

I was waiting for my turn to the shower. I heard the ticks of the clock still running at the back of my head as the warm water washed my head. I had to rush out as the showers had unusually large population that morning. The fellas were running through the cells, begging the warden for some mirror and some nice clothes but had to settle with just the mirror under his supervision. The kitchen had no strength. They barely wanted to eat. The menu was half prepared, I had to settle with the bread and the salad.

I was waiting for the door to be opened, the clock still had five minutes left.

“Hey man, how do I look?” asked Tyler who had black jacket over his usual dress.

“Stunning,” I said convincingly.

“Cool,” he said tapping my shoulder. The clock struck eleven, and the door was opened. There was a guard standing at each checkpoint. For that day, we were allowed to spend a whole day out in the yard with the ones we loved. The grass looked greener, and the sky bluer. With the voices of children running to hug their daddies and the tears on my mates’ eyes, the prison looked likable, full of joy and happiness blooming at every corner. My eyes were searching for Kathy. I knew that I’d find her even among a crowd of a million people just by her sparkling eyes and her shining hair.

I was waiting for her. My eyes were glued to the gate, my heart thumped a tad harder every time the door was opened by someone. Even when surrounded by families that were bounded bright by love and potential happiness, my life seemed dark and cloudy. I was waiting for that moment for a very long time. I was waiting to hear my little girl talk, I was waiting to hold her in my arms, I was waiting to make her laugh, and I was waiting for her to make me wet my eyes. It was time for lunch by then but I couldn’t eat. The door still gave my heart the thumps. Every moment that passed my wait grew stronger. My mind asked the questions, why wasn’t she there yet? Was she even coming? And it silently answered itself. I couldn’t get up, I didn’t want to face a life where when my family, the one that I gave my freedom for didn’t want to accept me.

I was waiting for my heart to realize that she was not coming, that my family was not my family anymore, and that my life was not my life anymore. I was waiting for the gates to get closed. I was waiting for the earth to get opened. I was waiting for my soul to part with me. I was waiting for death to take me.