Once bitten, twice shy

 

“Are you okay?” asked the girl sitting across me in the train. I never realized it was a girl until she asked me. I just looked at her with a question on my face.

“You are bleeding,” she said pointing to my fingers. “Do you need help?”

I didn’t realize I was bleeding. I pick my fingernails when I’m nervous. Not to the point of bleeding anyway though.

“No, I’m fine,” I said stuttering. The words seemed too hesitant to escape my throat. Maybe I’m too nervous because it’s been a while since I’ve been in out in public for more than an hour, and the train is as public as it can get.

“Here, let me help you,” she said handing over a handkerchief for me to stop the bleeding.

“No, I’m fine,” I said as I sucked my finger in my mouth tasting my very own blood. I couldn’t take her offer. It could have been poisoned. I’m not falling for these, I said to myself.

“You seem nervous, may I ask why?” she said with a twist of her head.

I didn’t know where to start. I sat back and closed my eyes as everything came back in a flash at once. It was a hot summer night. The night when I and Jane couldn’t pick a movie to watch and we fought over it.

“Spiderman 2 it is,” I said pointing at the large screen that listed the shows for the night.

“Enough of your superhero shenanigans. We’re watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,” said Jane pointing the poster next to it.

“No, I’ve been wanting to watch this for so long,” I said making a puppy face.

“You can wait a little more, we’re going to the Jim Carrey’s movie,” she commanded as she pulled me to the ticket counter.

I was standing firmly. I thought it was time for me to stand up for my decisions in that relationship. A bad time to do it, which I realized later.

“Aren’t you coming?” she asked me.

“I don’t think I will, you enjoy the movie,” I said as I started to walk out of the cinema.

I saw her walking behind me as I came down to the road. I slowed my pace down so she can catch up with me.

“Why are you here? I thought you wanted to watch the movie,” I asked with a fake surprise.

“I wanted to. You ruined it anyway,” she said turning away from my face.

We walked silently. I caught her eyes trying to catch a glimpse of me a few times. I wanted to make up with her at that moment. But I wanted to do it without seeming weaker. My mind went bizarre with silly egoistic thoughts that I never thought I had it in me.

“Okay, I’m going home, good night,” I said as I took the right on the Heather Turn.

I sensed that she was still following me. I thought my plans were working as I turned to her and asked, “Where are you going?”

“With you. To your home,” she said calmly.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea. I think you should go home and sleep it off,” I said, not to seem needy.

“No, I wanted to apologize for behaving that way,” she said. That was bliss. Hearing those words from her. She apologized to me for something. My heart was filled with joy as I turned around and walked back as she walked behind me.

It was almost a minute. She didn’t say anything else. My ego was shattered that very moment as I wanted to hug her and tell her how much I loved her. I turned around only to see an empty road. She wasn’t there. No one was there. I didn’t think she could’ve gone back home. I started looking around but I could find her nowhere till the end of the street. I made up my mind that she could’ve gone home. I thought maybe I played it too well. I walked back home with a disappointment until I heard a muffled scream from one of the back alleys to my right.

“Reilly!” screamed Jane through the hand that was covering her mouth. A man with tattoos all over his body was dragging Jane on the alley.

My mind raced with thoughts of fear and anger. I ran hard towards them only to get tripped by the trash that overflowed from the bin. The three men who stood there started laughing as I took to my feet again. I caught hold of the man’s shirt and I pulled it harder. I had no experience with physical fights all through my life. I went with my guts. The man felt nothing as another man stepped in and pushed me against the wall and whipped the pistol grip on my face. It broke my nose. I felt nauseas as I tried to take his hand off me. The man with his left hand, covered my eyes and pressed his .22 pocket pistol against my shoulders and pulled the trigger. My eyes went black and I couldn’t see anything even after he lifted his hand off my face. I fell to the ground the next moment, unconscious.

‘Young girl found dead and allegedly raped by three men in a back alley’ said the news headlines as I opened my eyes to the television in my hospital bed.

“Excuse me,” said the girl who was sitting in front of me as she tapped my shoulder.

I opened my eyes and saw her leaning closer to me and the train was stationary. I took a deep breath and shifted in my seat as I saw three men entering the coach. I raised my hoodie as it almost shadowed my face. I walked swiftly to the opposite door of the train which was open. It was a passenger coach. There was another train that was standing beside. I jumped to land my feet on the drawbar of the other train.

“What are you doing?” asked the girl standing near the door.

I took a deep look back at her as I jumped on the track and ran away from it. I couldn’t trust her. I couldn’t trust anyone. I’ve been living my life on the run for a decade now since that night. I went to the cinema every week, just so that no one would find me in the dark. I didn’t know where I was but I thought I could use a movie so I went to the nearest cinema. The movie was so boring that I got some shut eye.

“How can they become free? They raped and murdered my girlfriend,” I shouted at the public defender Mr. Morrison.

“Mr. Reilly, we have no say in this case. There is no evidence that these are the men who did the crime,” said Morrison.

“How can you say that? You know they did it, they’re guilty,” I said.

“It is not up to me now, is it? They won’t be prosecuted due to lack of evidence and that’s it,” he said as I rested my face on my closed fist. A tear trickled down my cheek knowing that the men who are responsible for Jane’s death won’t be behind bars. Justice works in mysterious ways, just like life.

“I’m sorry Mr. Reilly, I tried my best,” said Morrison as I left his room.

As I walked along the corridor, the three men who killed Jane and shot me walked past me as free as a bird. The tattooed man turned around and motioned his hand at me in a shooting action. I didn’t care much until the next day when I saw them below my apartment through my window. I was on the second floor as I took the fire escape to get away from the place. The very next day I packed my bags and moved to a new apartment in the east. It was roughly thirty miles from my previous house.

Things went fine until I saw them again near my new found apartment. I started noticing them everywhere I went. The thoughts clouded my mind. I couldn’t lead a normal life with peace. I didn’t stay at a place longer than a month. I took new part time and full jobs. But I couldn’t help but fearing for my life every night when I closed my eyes on the bed.

“Sir, the show is over,” said somebody tapping my shoulder.

I woke up with a shriek to find the janitor standing beside me. I asked, “What’s the next show?”

It was a movie called Spotlight. Unlike other movies which helped me get a good night’s sleep, this movie kept my eyes wide open. I liked the concept of letting the world know about a crime. Justice is not what is given by a judge or a jury of a court. Justice is letting the world know. The thought struck my mind like a lightning bolt. I wanted the world to know the story of Jane, the story of us. If they’re not ready to, I thought I’d make them listen.

I used to be a normal social person, playing along with the games of the society. Reminiscing about the past, I can only see myself with Jane and my friends, having a good time. I missed the laughs that we shared, the silly things that we did, the good people we were with. Now I’m in a place where I’m afraid to even look at the person sitting next to me. I thought I could make it in life but this was not the life that I wished for. It wasn’t original. It wasn’t me who was inside. I wanted to put an end to it.

Here I was as I looked out my window, I saw the three men having a chat. I threw my hoodie on and walked past them to make them notice me. I walked casually letting my face feel the warmth of the sunshine. It was exhilarating. Everything seems beautiful when you are about to die. I checked my pocket to see if I had my journal with me. I walked a few blocks until I was standing in front of a police station and I stopped.

I turned around drawing a pistol from my pocket and aimed at the man with the tattoo. The other men took their guns out in a flash and shot me all over my body almost twenty times. That moment, I wished that I’d chosen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.