“Hey Liam, how are you doing brother?” asked a tall and handsome fellow in his bathrobe and shorts. “This is Liam, he’s a good friend of mine. Liam, this is Jake, an okay friend of mine.”
“Quit it. Hey Liam,” said Jake setting his bottle of beer down for a handshake to the new guy in the room.
“Jake and I were just talking about our next movie together. It’s going to be the bomb. How is it going for you?” asked Charlie.
“Ah, it’s the same old, you know,” said Liam, hesitating a bit. He didn’t want to tell them how bad his life was going at that moment.
“Liam and I go way back since high school, he is a stand-up comedian. Jake, maybe you can pick his brain and learn a thing or two,” said Charlie.
“Well that certainly explains your knowledge considering you’ve known him all your life,” said Jake.
“Haha, you know me my friend, I just take life as it comes by,” said Charlie.
“I’ll drink to that,” said Jake raising the bottle.
“So, Liam, what are you up to?” asked Charlie.
“It’s been tough for the past few months man, I’m trying for a gig here and there, but nothing clicks,” said Liam. “I’m having second thoughts on what to do with life, already.”
“Liam, did you think showbiz is easy? You’ll think that this is the worst day of your life, but trust me, the worst is yet to come,” said Charlie. “It’s hard to see a comic with a sad face, come on, grab a drink.” He threw a bottle of beer at Liam and fortunately he caught it.
“And comedians aren’t genius minds who can come up with their own stuff, throw it in front of an audience and get a fan base in just one show. It just doesn’t work right from the first time,” said Jake. “I know the struggle, I write dialogues, sometimes for funny movies and it is very challenging.”
“Yes, that’s true. I think the base of any comedian is the same. It all starts with a simple observation, then you need to put it into a situation where it will be funny, it’s just a matter of how you put it out there. And the exaggeration matters the most,” said Liam.
“I agree. Comedy is all about turning sentimentalism into a beautiful thought. Comedy can only be constructive, given in the right dosage,” said Charlie.
“But, is it being used that way in the industry?” asked Jake.
“Most often not so. But hey, you got to do what you got to do right? Giving the audience what they want, that’s what comics are struggling for, just for that applause after every seemingly-new joke. Don’t you think they deserve some laugh after a tough week in their over-tiring job?” said Liam.
“Yes, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t use comedy to say something to the world, right? You got to put it in there, subtly. They deserve a laugh, but we deserve a thought as well,” said Jake.
“Interesting, I’ll keep it in mind,” said Liam with a smile and a cling of his bottle as it touched Jake’s.
“So, Liam, if you are interested, I can recommend you for a slot in the Imperial House this Sunday night, what do you think?” asked Jake.
“Well, sure. Of course, I’d love to do it,” said Liam.
“Glad to hear it. I’ll call a friend of mine and let him know, be ready, see you then, and see you Charlie,” said Jake as he stood up and walked to the door.
“Bye Jake, I hope you come up with a better script next time. Something that involves girls. I’m getting really tired of all these social stories, my friend,” said Charlie, a little bit loud as Jake was leaving the house.
It was Sunday and Liam couldn’t sleep the previous night. He wasn’t nervous, but he was excited as if he was about to do something new, something that he had always wanted. The evening was special to him, along with all the people who came there to spend the night listening to a man talk about cockroaches.
“Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I wish I had a better opening statement than this, but honestly, I don’t. So, I’m going to go with it, ‘Comedy is tough, be on the lookout if you are planning to make a career out of it. These stunts are done by trained professionals, and the training is not good,’” said Liam on the stage as he gave a look around the crowd to read their faces.
“I really have to appreciate all your brave hearts sitting there tonight, despite knowing the concept or the theme for my gig today, is bugs. I bet you all are software testers. But, being a bad developer, I’m giving you ten seconds now to rethink your decision whether to stay or not,” said Liam as he seriously took his wrist to his face and waited for ten seconds.
“Well, I don’t know if I should be thankful or feel sorry for you. It’s a mixed emotion. You guys are sadists, you know that? Sitting there in your neat suits and drinks, watching me struggle so you can feel better about yourselves. But guess who’s getting paid for talking like this? Me. And guess who’s paying me? You.” Said Liam as he stopped for a second as he saw a lady getting up with her purse.
“Hey, it’s too late, your ten seconds are over, you are stuck with me now,” said Liam. “Oh! You are heading to the restroom, sorry ma’am, please go ahead. You got to go when you got to go.”
“Alright, without wasting any more time since my script is short, let’s buzz into the concept, shall we?” laughed Liam. “Get it? Buzz, bugs, alright, tough crowd.”
“I think it is safe to say that everyone here can agree to the point that bugs are scary. I see the guy with the glasses shaking his head, if you are you are one of those bug lovers, I don’t want that kind of negativity in my life. They are horrifying to be with. And yes, we can’t turn the other way, we know it, we live with them. Yesterday, I just reached home after a tired day at work with all my love, ‘Honey, I’m home!’ I was surprised to see the cockroach waving at me with both of its antenna sitting there like, ‘the dishes in the sink have not been washed for two days now, it’s your job,’ with utter disappointment in its look. So, I’m defending myself right, I gave a sharp look back saying, ‘I didn’t wash them because I’m saving water, have you ever heard of water scarcity?’ and he goes, ‘well, clean them soon, I don’t want any competition in the sink.’ I don’t know how quickly they multiply. I heard it takes twenty to thirty days for the eggs to hatch, no, I guess it’s twenty to thirty seconds. But yes, we as humans are giving a strong competition to the cockroach population, we’re almost there,” said Liam as he needed a sip of water.
“I hate them for some reason. Maybe it’s because they have a bad sense of humor. I was practicing one of my all-time best jokes on Andrew the other day. He’s my favorite cockroach in the bedroom lot by the way, Jimmy comes closer, but Andrew has been with us for a long time now. But after the joke, he left the room quietly and never to be seen again. Talk about using comedy as a weapon.
Maybe I don’t like them because they are kind of sexists, don’t you think? Ever heard of a King bee? No, the Queen decides it all. But when she’s bossing around all the worker bees and they start protesting and plan to de-throne her, guess who comes to her rescue? Her hub-bee, not just any other wanna-bee. Maybe, just may-bee, they should be considering an equal society, so they can teach us a thing or two about it.
Looking at the literacy rate, I guess we can do with a few good lessons. But I wouldn’t pick a bee for it. Ever wondered why they always hum and never sing? They have a bad memory that they keep forgetting the lyrics to their own songs. But there are a few clever spelling bees, but I can’t count on them, I’m not good at moth-matics. You know how they can sting us with a single letter, because we are all like A’s, they just come after us,” said Liam trying to read the reactions of his audience. He heard a few laughter here and there which encouraged him to go further.
He started again. “You know how slow we are when it comes to understanding certain things right? Remember the time when we almost understood global warming and almost forgot about it? Talking about being slow and forgetting things, I have a friend, his name is Mark and he’s a gardener. A rare choice of profession today, I’d say. One fine day, he was looking at his beautiful garden, all proud of himself. He’s a fool, I know, who would waste precious space on gardens when you can build a house or a shop there and earn something for yourself? He’s thirty and single, just so you know.
Anyway, he spotted a snail on one of his beautiful plants and he was furious. So, with all the anger that he could muster, he picked and threw the snail as far as he could. He was twenty when this happened and a sloppy throw that was. Last night, he heard a knock on his window and there was a snail who looked up to him and said, ‘what did you do that for?’ I bet he was a terrible snailor to have taken this long. But, trust me guys, you should have a garden, it has its own perks as well, like you can hear bee-yonce sing every day, at least hum,” said Liam before taking a sip of water again.
“Funny thing happened today when I was typing the script for my next show, I was in my office, sitting in front of my computer, having a nice cup of coffee. There was this fly I was staring at for a long time. He flew and sat everywhere else in my cubicle except around my computer, maybe he was afraid of the world wide web. Apart from getting spied on by a spider, he didn’t want the entire world to spy on him. To all the flies out there, your brother’s kind advice is that, beware of the spiders and web.
There are two uninvited but mandatory guests of our country, mosquitoes and poverty. And the similarity between them, they both fancy a bite. I know mosque-itoes are religious people and all, but they are also mean and annoying that they get under our skin. I know, that joke sucks but well, they are good suckers,” said Liam and took one last look at the audience. He knew that he had to end it.
“We all have these two faces you know, the face that we wear outside and the one that only we know about. Well, cockroaches are masters of such black arts. You are chasing a cockroach one fine day and the bastard starts flying, out of nowhere. The entire house suddenly becomes a diamond heist scene from mission impossible and makes us take the phone out, call the cockroach and say, ‘I don’t know who you are, I don’t know what you want. I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you,’ My name is Liam and thank you everyone for listening once again, I hope you had a joyful evening and wishing you a bee-tiful night,” finished Liam as he made an exit from the stage.
The Typist 
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